[ad_1]
DEAR HARRIETTE: In my dreams the other night, I remembered a troubling conversation I had with someone who used to be a dear friend years ago.
This conversation marked the end of that friendship for a lot of reasons. She was so cold and mean when we spoke. I felt like God was judging me through her words. While some of the things she said were true, it was extremely hard to hear.
When the conversation came to me in my dreams, some of her points took on new meaning. While I hated that talk, she pointed out a few things that I should work on. I intend to do so.
Do you think I should reach out to her and say something? In the end, her caustic lecture did plant seeds that are sprouting now.
I absolutely hated how she talked to me and how judgmental she was. It was awful. But some good is coming of it. Should I tell her?
Beyond Meanness
DEAR BEYOND MEANNESS: Rather than reopening Pandora’s box, extract the lessons that benefit you and move forward.
It sounds like your last interaction was a stopping point. There is no need to revisit that or give her credit for anything. Live your life, forgive her in your heart and let go of any animosity you may have felt toward her.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I can tell that my boyfriend has good intentions, but his manner of speaking to my mother still leaves a lot to be desired.
His way of talking is so abrupt, and he speaks to her with little respect for the fact that she’s an elder. I was raised to be more respectful and courteous than that, and it makes me uncomfortable every time he speaks with her. He talks to his own mother the same way, which baffles me even more.
Why does he think this behavior is acceptable? How should I approach him about this?
No Respect
DEAR NO RESPECT: There is something important that you must know and accept: You cannot expect your boyfriend to treat you or your mother any better or differently than he treats his mother. Typically, a man’s mother is the person he reveres the most. How he treats her is a clear indication of how he will likely treat you.
If you truly like this man, you absolutely should speak to him about this.
You may want to start by getting to know his story better. Ask him about his childhood and his relationship with his mother. Find out, if you can, what their dynamics are like. How did he grow up? What did he learn from her? How did their relationship evolve over time?
Be gentle as you ask. If it feels like an inquisition, he will shut down. Tell him you genuinely want to know. Gradually work to connect the dots. Learn about how he and his mother interact.
Eventually, you will need to talk to him about how he speaks to your mother. You may start by describing how you grew up, what your family values are and what expectations exist for how children — grown or otherwise — communicate with their elders. Tell him then that it disturbs you when he speaks rudely to your mother. Teach him what your expectations are.
Figure out together whether you can agree on shared values for communication. This will help you determine if you two can share a path moving forward. It is possible that he simply needs education.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
[ad_2]
Source link
